Back in February I saw “Identity Thief.” The movie was so bad that I considered naming it the worst film of 2013. I backed down because, after all, it was only February. Plenty of time for someone to make a film worse than “Identity Thief.”
Six months later, someone did.
“Getaway” is so bad that I’m going to go out on a limb and call it now: “Getaway” is the worst film of 2013. Yes, we still have four months to go, but if a movie worse that “Getaway” shows up before January 1 it won’t really matter because it will mean the Movie Apocalypse is underway.
Where does one begin to document everything that is wrong with “Getaway?” Let’s start with the plot: Villain kidnaps hero’s beloved and forces hero to do bad things or the loved one will die. Do you know how old and tired this story is? Archeologists have found prehistoric cave paintings detailing the same plot.
Ethan Hawke stars as Brent Magna, a once-gifted race-car driver who has moved to Bulgaria with his wife Leanne (Rebecca Budig) to start a new life. The film opens with Brent walking into their apartment to find it a wreck and Leanne missing. A phone call from a mysterious stranger (Jon Voight) informs Brent that he must complete a series of tasks if he wants to see his wife again.
To give director Courtney Solomon some credit, he didn’t waste any time setting up the Brent/Leanne relationship. Other directors would’ve spent a few minutes, or several, letting us get to know them. Some people would say that kind of character development would be a good thing. But given how the rest of this movie went down, I can’t imagine any Brent/Leanne scenes would’ve made it better. They would’ve only made it longer. That’s the last thing this film needs.
Anyway, Brent’s first task is to steal a car. But not any car — a Shelby Mustang Super Snake all decked out with cameras and microphones so the mystery man can keep an eye on the proceedings and direct the action. Brent is then sent to terrorize a downtown pedestrian shopping district, which he does miraculously without killing anyone. The police give chase but he evades them — this will play out repeatedly in the film. Apparently the Bulgarian police do not have helicopters.
Brent finds refuge in a parking garage where a young woman (Selena Gomez) attempts a carjacking. Brent takes the gun from her and mystery man tells him not to let the girl out of the car. It turns out this unnamed girl is actually the owner of the car.
In truth, the girl (let’s just call her Selena since the filmmakers couldn’t be bothered to give her a name) turns out to be whatever the plot calls for at the time. She’s a car expert. She’s a computer hacker. Her father owns the bank that mystery man is planning to rob. She knows everything about her father’s bank that the story requires. Oh, and she’s mega-annoying.
I am unfamiliar with Selena Gomez. I’m assuming from her age and appearance that she was probably a star on The Disney Channel. If I’m right, this was not a good week for former Disney Channel starlets.
Look, this movie is just plain stupid and I’ve vented long enough. I could spend a long time going over every stupid moment in this stupid film but we both have better things to do. I did kinda like the twist at the end but it was far too little far too late.
To sum up: “Getaway” is aptly named. Get Away from this movie. Get Far Away.