It is 11:45 p.m. and I have just returned home from the 9 p.m. screening of “Drive Angry.” I would have been home earlier but it was screened at freaking Gravois Bluffs in Fenton which is a 31.5 mile trip from my home in St. Charles. Oh, and there was a freaking snowstorm all the way home.
You might say I was driving angry. I was slowly, cautiously, wearily driving angry.
And now I have to sit here at 11:48 p.m. and write this review because the movie opens tomorrow. Heck, who am I kidding? By the time I finish this it will be opening day. Sure, I could go to bed now and write this in the morning, but then what about those people who log on their computer at 6 a.m. every Friday? What do I tell them? They may need to know at 6 a.m. if they should get tickets to “Drive Angry” for tonight. I can’t let them down.
A better question is why was this movie screened at 9 p.m. the night before it opens? And why all the way out in Fenton? Those questions I have no answer to, short of the people in charge of these things hate me.
Sure, I could have gone to see “Hall Pass” at a decent hour and in decent weather, but really — “Hall Pass?” Over “Drive Angry?” What am I — crazy?
So this is a roundabout way of saying that this is going to be the most incoherent review I have ever written. And yes, I’m aware that’s not saying much.
Why did I go to all this trouble for this movie? Well, three reasons, really:
I couldn’t resist.
Cage stars as Milton, a man on a bloody mission. A satanic worshipper named Jonah King (Billy Burke) has murdered his daughter and taken his grandchild with the intention of using the infant as a sacrifice in a ritual that will raise Hell to Earth. Milton aims to stop that.
Milton has been tracking King cross-country and has to reach him before the full moon. When he crashes his car in an altercation with some of King’s men, Milton needs new wheels. He hooks up with Piper (Amber Heard), a feisty young woman who just quit her job, quit her boyfriend, took his car and has no particular place to go.
As they barrel down the highway and the body count climbs, it’s clear there’s something unusual about Milton. There’s also something unusual about The Accountant (William Fichtner), a mystery man in black who’s always one step behind the carnage.
I went into “Drive Angry” figuring it would either be gloriously horrible or horribly glorious. It was. This is grindhouse cinema at its grindiest.
Here’s all you need to know about whether or not “Drive Angry” is for you: It’s rated R for “strong brutal violence throughout, grisly images, some graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language.” If that’s your kinda thing, this is your kinda movie. And it’s all IN 3D.
The 3D is actually pretty good. A lot of live-action 3D is added later and is total crap, but in this case it’s very effective. So if you’d like to see bullets, axes, severed hands, oh yes — and boobs — coming at you, pay the extra 3D fee.
Did it work for me? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort* huh? what? Oh, yeah. Sorry. I enjoyed “Drive Angry” but it’s clearly not for everyone, or most anyone. It is what it claims to be and nothing more.