Eat Pray Suck

The nice people at U-Verse are giving me free Starz/Encore/Showtime/Movie Channel this weekend. Last night I’m surfing the movie landscape and come across the romantic drama “Eat Pray Love.”

I was at LawyerCon last year when this came out so I missed seeing it on the big screen. And good thing, because if I had found myself trapped in a theater watching this with no distractions, I might have ripped my seat out at  Ronnie’s and thrown it at the screen. And somebody might have got hurt.

I decided to watch this because I remembered The Wife was reading the book while we were sitting in an airport last year, so I figured she would like it. For those who haven’t suffered through it, Julia Roberts stars as Liz Gilbert, poor little rich girl who leaves her husband to travel the world and “find herself.” Life is so hard for Liz. She has so many troubles.

I have news for you, Liz. If you can afford to take a year off and explore the world — eating and praying and loving all the way — you don’t know what trouble is.

Never before have I watched a movie where I wanted to walk into the scene and slap every character for being so self-absorbed and pathetic. About 20 minutes in, I asked The Wife, “Does this woman ever become likable?” At which point I was informed me that, no, she remains a whiney shrew throughout. I then learned that The Wife didn’t much care for the book and struggled to get through it but that the parts about food were well written.

In fairness I should point out that I wasn’t giving the movie my full attention. I was more focused on playing Angry Birds on The Son’s Ipad. But every once in a while I would look up and Liz would be comparing her suffering to the decline and fall of the Roman Empire and it would just make me more intent to kill those egg-stealing pigs and pretend that it was really Liz Gilbert that was being blown up.

The film begins crawling to its end and Javier Bardem shows up. I begin yelling at the screen: “No, Javier! Run Away! Don’t get sucked into this crazy woman’s life! It’s too late to save James Franco, but you just got here! Save yourself!”

At this point I notice The Wife has left the room, never to return for the rest of the night. And she was the reason I put this piece of crap on. Well, it’s too late for me to back out now. Besides, I’m about to finish Level 9.

Javier and Julia sail into the sunset and the credits roll. I start to search the Internet for John Travolta’s email address because I want to apologize to him for all those years that I called “Battlefield Earth” the worst movie ever made.

Now, I’m pretty laid-back as movie reviewers go. I don’t believe my opinion is the right opinion. I understand that not everyone sees things the same way. What I think is crap someone else may think as art. I usually don’t get all emotional over something as meaningless as a movie. But I tell you this — I will fight anyone who says “Eat Pray Love” is a good movie. I’ll fight you in my back yard, in an alley, in a boxing ring — your choice. You’ll probably beat me senseless because I’m not very strong, but that’s how strongly I feel about this horrible, horrible movie.

Oh, “Starship Troopers” is on next! Futuristic Marines vs. Giant Alien Bugs. Now that’s good cinema.



6 responses to “Eat Pray Suck

  1. You’ve seen bad movies begore. I think your unprecedented hatred of this could be a symptom of getting old. Have you found yourself relating how you walked to school through the snow uphill both ways? Not that I’ve seen or would consider seeing this movie.

  2. Jonathan Singer

    I did not see this dog, and never would. Can’t imagine wanting to see a movie about someone of Julia’s age dumping her spouse to take a year off to travel the world to “find herself.” Her character sounds incredibly annoying, at best.

  3. I have not heard one good thing about this movie or book.

  4. Just because Uverse offered a free viewing is not a guarantee of enjoyment or the assurance of quality.

  5. I have a Top 10 suggestion for you. You should do a “Top Ten Movies That Should be in Your Netflix Queue.”

  6. It was a huge struggle to get through this stupid book. It took an entire year. I did enjoy reading about the parts about food in Italy, but anyone who knows me knows that I love everything about food, including reading about it. Food is so tasty and delicious, but I digress. I love reading books and can easily go through a book a week. Recently I read “All the Devils are Here,” “Outlive Your Life,” and now I’m into “The Paris Wife.” I recommend all of them, and they are much better than “Eat, Pray, Love.” Everybody talked about how great EPL was, and I thought it was just me maybe going crazy and losing my mind. Glad to see from the comments that I am not alone…….

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