Yellow’s having a baby. Saturday they had a baby shower for her. I wasn’t invited. It’s a chick thing. I still went out and bought a present for Baby Brashares, because That’s How I Roll.
I also did it because I am a great gift giver. Not everyone has this gift. I do. Gift registries are for the lazy and unimaginative. If someone is telling you what to give them — that’s not a gift. It’s a bribe.
The key is to make sure that the gift is all about me — not the person getting the gift. Traditionally, I give babies a small stuffed dinosaur. Not always. Some years it’s hard to find a stuffed dinosaur. Barney doesn’t count.
A few years back I walked into a Wal-Mart and there was a whole wall of Marvel Comics baby stuff — HULK rattles, Spider-Man blankies, those plastic books that babies chew on. It was perfect. I bought many a baby shower gift from that wall for about a year, then it all mysteriously disappeared. I should have stocked up, I guess, but I figured it would go on forever.
Anyway, Yellow and Tim are having a baby girl, so I figured I’d go to Wal-Mart and pick up a Wonder Woman onesie for the child. If they were sold out, I would settle for a Batgirl or Supergirl onesie.
Nothing. Not a single thread of baby clothing with a DC superhero theme. Well, no surprise. This is DC. They never know how to market anything without a bat on it.
So I figure I’ll get her a nice Spider-Woman onesie or a She-Hulk onesie. Nothing. C’mon Marvel, you’re owned by Disney! They’re all about the babies! Everywhere I look — Minnie Mouse onesies, Mickey Mouse onesies, Winnie the Poo onesies — even Cars onesies!
What is wrong with you, Disney? Do you know how many nerds there are in the world? Nerds with money. Nerds having babies (OK, maybe not so many nerds having babies). Nerds with friends and family having babies. You’re leaving money on the table!
Oh, and remember how I said some years it’s hard to find a stuffed dinosaur? This was one of those years. How can you call yourself a respectable toy store or baby store and not stock stuffed dinosaurs? They’re adorable and so much cooler than bears or Elmo. Again, you’re leaving money on the table!
So here’s how my Thursday went: I went to Wal-Mart, I went to Target, I went to Toys R Us, I went to Mid Rivers Mall, I went to the Mills, I went to Babies R Us. Did I mention it has been 500 degrees daily in St. Louis these past two weeks and I don’t have air conditioning in my car.
And I wasn’t even invited to the stinking baby shower.
Eventually I was able to find a cute dinosaur outfit at Sears, complete with little stegosaurs on the footsies. It was adorable, it was also the only dinosaur-related outfit I saw. What is this new obsession with monkeys on baby clothes?
And at Books-A-Million — where one doesn’t usually think to shop for baby stuff — I found this adorable Thor: Doll of Thunder. Complete with itty bitty Hammer of Thor. I was actually planning on getting Baby Brashares a small Thor Hammer (not the adult-size Lightning Strike Thor Hammer with sound effects that actually shoots lighting bolts. I’m not crazy.) but decided this was better. Besides, I feared if I got the baby a Thor Hammer then maybe one of her parents would use it inappropriately some night when baby wouldn’t go to sleep and then Child Services would be called in and I’d feel somewhat responsible.
So, many hours later I returned home hot and exhausted but with that good feeling of a mission accomplished. The Wife came home later that night, drove to Target, printed out the gift registry, and bought a bottle warmer.
And she got to go to the baby shower. Where there were cupcakes.