I was all set and hyped up for the last big summer action extravaganza of the season — “The Expendables 2” — when I get the following notice:
No screenings planned
You know what this means, don’t you? Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are afraid of me! The greatest action movie tough guys of all time are scared silly of me and my Macbook.
What other reason could there be? They’ve let other reviewers see their film, so why not me? Why deprive me — and you, my loyal readers — of my thoughts on their latest cinematic effort? Granted, one bad review from The Report would crush all their careers at once, so I can understand their fear. It still makes them cowards. That’s right, I called Chuck Norris a coward. A hundred Chuck Norris jokes will not scare me or change the fact that he won’t let me see his movie in advance.
ParaNorman wasn’t afraid of me, and he’s a wimpy looking animated kid. Granted, I didn’t see his movie either, but that’s because I had to go see “The Lion King” (review tomorrow) the same night as the “ParaNorman” screening. It’s not the kid’s fault.
C’mon, Expendables. I’m your guy. I’m not one of those snooty movie critics who bash all blockbusters and only praise pretentious indy films. I probably would’ve liked the movie if you’d let me see it.
I guess I’ll have to find new action heroes to admire — like Jeremy Renner, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson and Robert Downey Jr.
Fortunately, The Avengers are not expendable.