There are varied reasons why I don’t see all movies. Some movies aren’t screened around here. Some screenings conflict with other things going on in my life. Some movies I just don’t want to see. There’s one other factor that plays into my movie-going.
Curves for Women.
The Wife is one of those fitness types. For me, exercise consists of lifting the lid on the laptop. I’m fine with that. I want my wife to remain healthy and fit as I desperately need her to outlive me.
So a minimum of three weeknights a week she needs to go to the gym. She would prefer all five but marriage is a series of compromises so we’ve kind of worked it out so that I can go to a movie one night a week, two if it’s summer blockbuster season or the holiday/awards season. We are currently in the latter.
Monday night I went to see “Life of Pi.” Tuesday night she was tired and didn’t go to the gym (note: not my fault). So naturally, Wednesday she wants to go to Curves.
“Do you have anything on tomorrow?”
“Uh. I have a movie.”
“*sigh* What one.”
“The new ‘Twilight’ movie.”
“But you hate those.”
“Yes, but it’s a pop culture phenomenon, so I feel obligated. Plus, I’ve sat through the previous four films and might as well see how it ends. Plus, I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for my readers.”
I could tell it wasn’t really fine, so thank you, dear readers, for getting me in trouble with The Wife. And all for a stupid “Twilight” movie.
So, where were we? Oh yes, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2.”
For those of you who need to catch up, it’s simple: Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) are in love. Not just any love, mind you. Edward and Bella are in the love to end all loves. Forever Love. Endless Love. You think you love your spouse, child, mother, dog, whatever — you are an amateur at love compared to Edward and Bella. They love each other more than any person ever loved any other person. Ever.
There’s one catch: Edward’s a vampire; Bella is not. There’s also Jacob (Taylor Lautner), Bella’s longtime best buddy, who — as is the case with all platonic relationships — is madly in love with Bella even though she doesn’t feel that way about him.
Jacob is also a werewolf and werewolves hate vampires. But then, who doesn’t? They are blood-sucking killers.
Anyway, it’s four films later and Edward and Bella have married, Bella’s been turned into a vampire, Bella has a daughter, and Bella’s daughter Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) has in some way bonded with Jacob (don’t ask). But before the young Cullen clan can begin a new life together, trouble is waiting on the snowy horizon.
The Volturi, the enforcement clan of the vampires, find out about Renesmee and mistakenly believe she’s an immortal — a child turned into a vampire. This is very taboo. Rensemee is not an immortal, of course, she’s the child of vampires, which is pretty much impossible — hence the confusion.
The punishment for creating an immortal is death, so the Volturi decide to go to the Cullen home and kill everyone. However, they decide to take their own sweet time getting there, giving the Cullens plenty of time to circle the world and find other vampires who will stand with them.
Lucky for the Cullens, most of the outcast vampires who are willing to join them happen to be mutant vampires with super powers. Seriously. Super mutant vampires. As if having the super strength and speed that comes with being a vampire wasn’t enough, some vampires can also control the elements, shoot fire or electricity out of their hands, put up force fields, you name it.
Now, you’d think I’d be all in favor of a movie that bridges the gap between vampires and the X-Men, but vampires with super powers just goes one nerd bridge too far for me. Although it was fun watching them fight it out in the end.
Let’s be honest: You know what to expect from a ‘Twilight’ movie. If you’ve loved the earlier installments, you’ll love this one. If you hated the earlier films, there’s no sudden uptick in quality for the grand finale. There’s some decent special effects and some wonky ones (Hollywood has yet to perfect super speed on film). There’s some really nice cinematography in the opening credits. The talent of the actors remains unchanged.
The action third of the movie is decent but overshadowed by the two-thirds of the movie that’s all about the Love Story. Maybe I wouldn’t mind it so much if they didn’t beat it over your head how special this love is.
Overall, I’d rather have gone to Curves and watched my wife work out. But alas, Curves doesn’t allow men.