So I’m sitting on the couch watching “Archer” when The Wife comes to me and she says,
“Guess where I’m going tonight.”
“Uh. Uh oh. Let’s see…It’s too cold for Shakespeare in the Park and I think it’s too early for opera season…hmm…I don’t know. Where?”
“I’m going to see a stage adaptation of Jane Austen’s classic ‘Sense and Sensibility’ at The Repertory Theatre of St. Louis. I’m so excited!”
“Oh. Great. Wait. Why do you keep saying I instead of we?”
“Because you’re not going. I’m going with Christine.”
Ah yes. The Best Friend. I was wondering when her return to St. Louis was going to mess with the way things are. I’m glad she’s back in town and it’s good that she and The Wife get along so famously but now it’s interfering with The Report.
You see, as much as I bitch and moan and complain and whine about Shakespeare and opera and Jane Austen adaptations and the works of Impressionist painters, these are the things that class up this joint. Without them The Report would just be an endless string of posts about dinosaurs, comic books and action movies. No one wants that. The Wife’s interests are what bring balance to The Report.
And now Christine comes along who loves going to Shakespeare and the opera and Jane Austen adaptations and who won’t bitch and moan and complain and whine about it. I can hardly blame The Wife for wanting to go with her. But what am I going to write about now?
Christine got tickets for the 5 p.m. show and so The Wife left the house at 4 p.m. to hook up. She didn’t leave any dinner. I offered The Son the choice of me making chili or going out and getting a pizza. He very clearly said “pizza.” Whenever my son says anything clearly, he gets it.
I looked over my vast collection of DVDs but nothing appealed to me. I looked at the list of movies on my DVR but nothing appealed to me. I checked the TV schedule for the evening and nothing appealed to me. On our way to Little Caesars we stopped at the library to check out its movie selections.
There among the action titles was the object of my night’s entertainment: “The Expendables 2.” Stallone. Schwarzenegger. Willis. Statham. Norris. Li. Lundgren. Van Damme. The perfect alternative to Jane Austen.
This is what you have to look forward to as long as Christine is around.
Sylvester Stallone returns as Barney Ross, leader of a team of mercenaries who blow things up and shoot things up and keep the world safe for democracy. It’s pretty much what you’d expect from a gathering of aging ’80s action stars. This one is probably a little better than the first one as it has more Bruce and Arnold than the first one. I’d like these movies more if the big three were on an equal footing.
Thor’s little brother shows up just long enough to justify the group’s name. Chuck Norris joins the cast in order to make a few Chuck Norris jokes and disappear. Jet Li disappears after the opening sequence. Yu Nan shows up to keep the movie from being a total testosterone-fest. As to the plot, who cares?
We finished our pizza and a movie event around 8 p.m. I figured The Wife would be home soon since the play started at 5 p.m. She called around 7:30 to say they were going to get a bite to eat. No problem. That would take, what, an hour?
Around 10:30 p.m. The Wife finally called to tell me they had closed down the restaurant and John had come out to see why they were sitting in the driveway so she decided it was time to come home. What on earth can two women possibly find to say to each other for so long? And not just tonight, they’d been on the phone for hours in the days prior to this discussing the plans for tonight.
At any rate, she finally arrived home around 11 p.m. and delivered this long-awaited review of “Sense and Sensibility” playing at The Rep:
“It was really good.”
This is what you have to look forward to.
“Sense and Sensibility” wraps up its run at The Rep today. http://www.repstl.org/ “The Expendables 2” is available everywhere on DVD, Blu-ray and probably at those Redbox machines.