Zombie Apocalypse: The Final Solution

Like most rational people I go down to the basement on Sunday night and watch ‘The Walking Dead” while The Wife stays upstairs by the fireplace watching “Downton Abbey.”

I enjoy “The Walking Dead” because it’s so downbeat and depressing. Nothing ever goes well for these people — ever. It’s unlike anything else on TV. It’s realistic: Life is a horror movie in which you are constantly on the run from horrible things. Then you die. Then you’re reborn as a brains-hungry zombie.

And like anyone who’s spent much time watching shows about the zombie apocalypse, I’ve given some thought about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Last week it occurred to me where the best place to go to survive the ZA would be. It was so simple I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of it before now.

This morning there was an article online titled “Where to hide during the zombie apocalypse.” I clicked the link to see if they would confirm my conclusion. They didn’t.

The geniuses at Cornell University concluded that in the event of a zombie apocalypse you should head north, into the mountains, preferably the Rockies or Alaska.

No. This may be good advice if you’re Jeremiah Johnson, but the average Joe is going to die as soon as winter hits. There are no furnaces in the zombie apocalypse. Starting a fire will just attract them. And if you can hike into the mountains, guess what: So can the zombies.

And if the zombies or the elements don’t get you — the bears will.

Andrew hanging with his zombie buddy

Andrew hanging with his zombie buddy

Meanwhile, on the televised ZA, Rick and company have decided to go to Washington, D.C., thinking that someone at our nation’s capital has all the answers.

Bad decision. Once again, heading north in a world without electricity and central heating is a bad call. Winter is going to be brutal in Washington, D.C. Although, to be fair, you’re probably fairly safe there from zombies given that most of them will have died from starvation due to the lack of available brains.

No, if you want to survive the ZA you need to drive south. I’m thinking the Florida Keys.

All zombies can do is walk. They can’t drive a car or fly a plane or drive a boat. And they can’t swim. So you make your way to the Keys, find a boat and make your way to an island. Establish a beachhead then methodically kill every zombie on the island (this is why I recommend a small island — fewer zombies). Once they’re all dead, there won’t be no more. Then put them on a raft and have a big viking funeral. Spend the rest of your life eating seafood and limes. Sure, you’ll have to deal with the occasional hurricane, but better than the constant threat of zombies.

So there you have it. Find a nice island, the smaller the better, in a warm climate and sit on the beach sucking down coconut milk and laugh at all those people on the mainland fighting the zombie horde.

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