So, The Wife comes to me and she says, “I’m going to Lake of the Ozarks this week for our annual court conference. Do you want to come along?”
“You’ve never invited me to court conference before.”
“You used to work on Thursday and Friday.”
“Fair point. Sure, I’ll go. What do we do with The Son?”
“He can come with us. He’ll just miss the last two days of school. I doubt it will hurt his grades.”
ASIDE: Wednesday afternoon I went out to go to the comic book store and fill up the gas tank for the trip and I discovered I had a flat tire. I rolled the car into the driveway and called AAA. Because if I’m paying good money for AAA, I’m not changing any tires. Someone arrived within 15 minutes and I was on the road a few minutes later.
I bring this up only because you may recall we had a horrible experience with AAA a couple years back on Thanksgiving, and I felt that it was only fair that I give them props when they do good. END ASIDE.
And so it was that we packed up the car Wednesday night and drove to the Lake of the Ozarks. It was a long drive as it was dark, rainy and I was on unfamiliar roads. The forecast was for rain the entire time we were there, which didn’t matter much to me as they had an indoor pool which was where The Son and I would be the entire time we were there. I had packed up a multitude of comics from the stash my brother-in-law got at the charity auction, as well as my haul of new comics from earlier in the day, so I was ready to be stuck poolside.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Lake of the Ozarks — the Lake of the Ozarks is like Branson, Mo., but with a lake where all the country music shows are. There’s plenty of hillbilly themed entertainment, miniature golf and tattoo parlors. It’s also well known for its outlet mall — which is like Plaza Frontenac for thrift shoppers. Since we didn’t bring our boat along, we were in for a long stretch at the indoor pool (Note: We don’t actually own a boat).
We made our way to the Country Club Hotel and Spa where they set us up in a huge room with a king-size bed and a couch that opens out into a bed for The Son and a kitchen area and a television in the bathroom. It was probably the biggest hotel room we’d ever been in. But as we all know, I do not judge a hotel on the size of its rooms. I judge it on (a) the number and quality of free movie channels it offers; (b) how many pools it has; and (c) do I get a free newspaper in the morning.
We’ve already established it met criteria B, but sadly it fell short on A and C. The Country Club Hotel and Spa offered a record-breaking 77 channels — but no premium movie channels (Fox Movie Channel and AMC do not count). Why would you even put a television in the bathroom if you don’t offer free HBO? And while they were selling USA Today in the lobby for a dollar, there was no freebies. Why would a hotel charge for USA Today? Who buys USA Today? Doesn’t USA Today make all its money off whatever sweetheart deal it made with the hotel industry? The only time I read USA Today is when I’m on vacation and it’s sitting outside my hotel room door. I’m sure I’m not alone.
It didn’t much matter, though, because for the first time I had brought along our laptop and was able to enjoy the wonders of free wifi. It took a while to figure out how to connect, but eventually the computer figured it out without our help. Since I only watch television now as background noise for web surfing, it was OK that I had no free HBO.
Thursday morning The Wife got up early and made her way to class. The Son and I got up eventually and went for a walk. There are some impressive views of the lake from the grounds — none from our hotel window. We saw three deer while on walkabout. It’s always nice to see deer up close that doesn’t involved shattered windshields.
As you can see, it didn’t rain at all during the day while we were there. Turns out weathermen in Lake of the Ozarks are as incompetent as weathermen in St. Louis. After our walk it was time for lunch so The Son and I ordered a couple of burgers at the hotel restaurant. Some 20 minutes later they arrived. The waitress was very apologetic, but I had nothing to look forward to that afternoon but a day at the pool, so I didn’t mind the wait. The burger was very good, as were the curly fries.
We went up to the room and I told The Son that we were going to the pool and before I could sit down he had emerged from the bathroom, naked and ready to go. I gave him his swimsuit and a few seconds later he re-emerged, with a slightly troubled look on his face. It turns out the swimsuit I had grabbed for the trip — the only one I could find, in my defense — was suffering from a complete breakdown in its elastic. He kept pulling them up, they kept falling down. This was not good. I toyed with safety clipping the suit to where it would fit, but that didn’t work. I couldn’t disappoint him, and figured he could just wear his shorts that he had been wearing all day to the pool. Thankfully, we were the only people at the pool other than a couple of old men.
The Wife was due to finish up at 3 p.m., so we spent a couple of hours at the pool and a half-hour at the hot tub and then went back to the room. The wife was amused and appalled at the swimsuit story. But it gave her an excuse to drag us to Outlet Mall Country to buy him a new swimsuit.
Outlet Mall Country hadn’t changed much since we were last there many years ago. Sadly, the record store was gone which meant there were now ZERO places of interest to me. Fortunately, we only had a couple hours before The Wife had to get back for dinner. We picked up a swimsuit and I got a couple of shirts at the Nautica store, and then we stopped at Coldwater Creek, where we spent the next 27 hours.
Now, I know what you’re saying: “You couldn’t possibly have spent 27 hours in Coldwater Creek.” Think again. It turns out there is a wormhole in Coldwater Creek where in real time you may only be inside for an hour but in actual time you are there 27 hours. Fortunately they have some lovely benches, and on one bench there was — I kid you not — a copy of USA Today.
We returned to the hotel just in time for The Wife to make it to happy hour before her dinner. I was too tired to go back out, but I didn’t feel like paying the high prices for dinner at the hotel, and in our room’s booklet of hotel amenities it listed Papa John’s as a local pizza joint that delivered. I called them and was told that they do not, in fact, deliver to the Country Club Hotel but the guy would meet us at Denny’s. Now, if I wanted to go out and drive all the way to Denny’s, I would eat at Denny’s. So we drove to McDonald’s.
After dinner The Son put on his new swimsuit and we returned to the pool. Shortly thereafter, the rain finally began. And with it, the lightning. Now, I know it’s not safe to swim in an outdoor pool when there’s lightning, but an indoor pool? I probably would have blown it off, but the pool was in a glass enclosure and you could see all the lightning flashes and I figured it would be my luck that the lightning would go through the glass and strike the pool, so we didn’t stick around long.
The next morning The Wife had meetings until noon. The Son and I slept late, packed up the car and took a short walk before The Wife finished up. As we were preparing to leave, she looked at me sheepishly and said, “Can I ask for a favor?”
Now, the number of times I have denied The Wife anything currently stands at zero, so I asked her what the favor was even though I had a good idea what it would be.
“Can we go back to the Outlet Mall? I want to go to the cosmetics store.”
The number still stands at zero.
Just barely.